The Wizard of Speed and Time

Just a bunch of things I think are interesting or funny.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Now Trent won't have to go into the heating and air conditioning business

Trent Reznor just won a lawsuit worth just under $3 million. Click here for story.

Would you take advice from Jerry Springer?

In promoting his new show on British TV, Jerry Springer compared English talk show with what was on the air in America ten years ago. Click here for story. He states that his show is so compelling that you can watch it without the sound on.

Wow.

But you know he's right. You can watch Springer without any sound on. Basically the story goes something like this, some piece of human garbage is angry with another piece of human garbage. They yell, scream and threaten each other. Another piece of human garbage comes out and chooses one or the other piece of human garbage. The chosen one crows, while the rejected one either screams or pretends like they don't care. Maybe a fight starts out. Jerry closes the show by telling everyone to be a better person. But if everyone listened to Jerry, he wouldn't have any guests.

The Relo Blues

The New York Times has a series of articles and other stuff on the culture and issues facing "relo"s. These are folks who make $100,000 plus who move frequently from affluent suburb to affluent suburb. Thus these people never set down any roots. Click here for story.

Friday, May 27, 2005


That's a damn big fish Posted by Hello

Those in glass houses....

Recently on Law & Order (I'll wait until you make that dun-dun sound in your head) the police were investigating the murder of a federal judge. One of the officers suggested that they look for someone in a Tom Delay T-shirt. This quip was to much for Rep. DeLay. Click here for story.

This manipulation of my name and trivialization of the sensitive issue of judicial security represents a reckless disregard for the suffering initiated by recent tragedies and a great disservice to public discourse," DeLay wrote in a letter to NBC President Jeff Zucker. "I can only assume last night's slur was in response to comments I have made in the past about the need for Congress to closely monitor the federal judiciary, as prescribed in our constitutional system of checks and balances."

Slur? Dude, it a throw away joke. And DeLay should talk. In the past DeLay said, "We will look at an arrogant, out-of-control, unaccountable judiciary that thumbed their nose at Congress and the president." I also found this site of Tom DeLay Quotes, and as I realize that all of these quotes may be fake, but if even one is real Rep DeLay should just shut up.

The Secret life of investment bankers

A man jumped out of the bushes on a nature trail in New Jersey, wearing only a condom and attempted to accost a woman jogger. The man was a vice president of J. P. Morgan Chase. The woman was an off duty police officer. And she had pepper spray. The condom didn't help all that much. Click here for story.

Nick is ahead of the curve

Sarah has tried, to get Nick involved in crafts. He just doesn't seem interested. But Sarah has bought all of the kid friendly craft items including safety scissors. These scissors are the only things he's interested in.

Well, if a couple of researchers have their way, those things might be the sharpest things in England. These researchers concerned with the rising number of stabbings have called for knife manufacturers to stop making pointy knifes. Click here for story.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Adventures in plumbing, or birth control for toilets

Thursday morning was not the best morning for me. I woke up 15 minutes late, which normally would not be a horrible thing, but I had Court in Wheaton, so I really needed to hustle.

Well, since my house is 80 years old, the plumbing is not the best and it takes some time for the hot water in the shower to actually arrive in the shower. So as I'm trying to do everything as fast as could be, I start the shower and brush my teeth at the same time. But it quickly becomes apparent that I need to relieve myself before I take a shower. Which I do, but not wanting to disrupt the delicate hot/cold water balance in the shower, I don't flush. I figure that I'll flush after the shower.

So I hop in the shower and clean up. As I get out, I flush the toilet and reach for my towel. But in reaching for my towel, I knock a disposable plastic cup from the sink. The cup, guided by some unseen and diabolical force lands right in the toilet bowl and races down the drain. Where it becomes logged, refusing to move. The cup, is just the right size to act as a diaphram on my toilet. It fit just out of reach, and it would not let the water out. I try the plunger in vain.

Meanwhile, I'm late to court, my wife and kids are not up and my upstairs toilet is refusing to cooperate. So, I wake up Sarah and explain that she and Nick have to use the toilet downstairs as I rush out the door. So I rented a toilet auger this afternoon to try and bust up the cup. And when that didn't work, I had to remove the toilet, shove the auger up the back end and reseal the toilet. Three things I have never done before.

But somehow it all worked out in the end. This of course is a great assumption. But the toilet works for now. If only I could get the kitchen sink fixed...

Friday, May 20, 2005

First Win

I won my first trial on Friday. It was so difficult. I believe I said two sentences. This was a small claims action, a homebuyer sued my client who was the roofer. Unfortunately for the buyer he didn't have a contract nor warranty from the roofer. He only had one from the builder. When we brought this up in pre-trial motions, the buyer told the judge that he did have a contract and a warranty.

So when we get to court, I'm ready. I've got all my exhibits lined up. I've gone over my cross and direct a number of times. I'm ready with my foundation and heresay objections. I'm good to go. But as the buyer didn't have a lawyer, the judge simply began asking him questions. The first question was do you have a contract? No your honor. Do you have some sort of express warranty from the roofer? At this point the buyer produces a letter my client wrote to the better business bureau. This was not what the judge had in mind. Since he could not even begin to pass muster on his claim, the judge ordered a verdict for my client.

Which just goes to prove great lawyers also know when to shut up.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

That phone survey should have never mentioned beer

Five minutes before dinner and the phone rings. I pick it up, even though the caller ID says "unknown caller". I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Well on the line is a person conducting a phone survey about beer. Now as a rule I will take phone surveys, simply to screw with the results. But this was serious. I said that I was more than interested.

The first question the interviewer asked was for me to name as many brands of beer as I could. I asked her if she was sure that she wanted me to do this. She said yes. After naming all of the local and regional breweries, I could tell that she was getting tired of typing. So she decided that it just might be easier to go down the list that she has and then ask me if I had heard of these brands. She listed about 20-25 brands, mostly big label beers that I had heard of. But also a suprising amount of lesser known imports.

I'm sure I was her longest interview of the night as she had to ask me additional questions about each beer that I said that I had heard of. And finally in the end she commented that I really must like beer.

I always thought that mink farm in Wadsworth smelled bad

But I would never resort to releasing the minks. Come on, that would let the stink get all over. I just wish my namesake was as restrained. Click here for story.

The best part of the story is that this master criminal, who evaded authorities for 7 years, gets caught ripping off CDs at a coffee shop.

Well we know for a fact its not Billy Joel

This story has been around for a week. A man in a tux is found on the Northern shores on England. He does speak, he has no papers or ID. Nobody knows who he is or where he's from. They take him to be medicaly evaluated, including a battery of psychologic tests. They all turn up nothing.

But when the man is placed infront of a piano, he can play flawlessly. For a week England has been wondering just who this man is. Surely someone must know, but every lead turns up cold. Click here for story.

I just wonder if everyone has considered just how lucky this man's talent is something as socially acceptable as piano playing.

How politics can screw up a nice evening at the movies

The new Star Wars movie has even been out for a day, but political hacks are already attempting to brand their message or their opponents by using the Star Wars lexicon. Click here for story.

The liberal advocacy group Moveon.org was preparing to spend $150,000 to run advertisements on CNN over the next few days - and to spread leaflets among audiences in line at multiplexes - comparing Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, the majority leader, to the movie's power-grabbing, evil Chancellor Palpatine, for Dr. Frist's role in the Senate's showdown over the confirmation of federal judges.

Conservative Web logs were lacerating Mr. Lucas over the film's perceived jabs at President Bush - as when Anakin Skywalker, on his way to becoming the evil Darth Vader, warns, "If you're not with me, you're my enemy," in an echo of Mr. Bush's post-9/11 ultimatum, "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."

Hey, your going beyond my cognitive limitations

Recently a study done by the University of Minnesota has discovered that teenagers ain't quite right. Click here for story. According to the report, teen brains aren't developed enough to multi task and use strategic thinking.

Frankly when I was a teenager, I was thinking just fine. I was lazy.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

How to piss off serious art students

Bonhams Modern and Contemporary sale is auctioning the artwork of Congo a chimpanzee. Click here for story. This primate has produced over 400 works in two works. And the gallery expects three of these to fetch around $1,500 dollars.

Is that a Whizzinator in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Just when you think all of the drama has left the Minnesota Vikings with the departure of Randy Moss, here comes Onterrio Smith. It appears that Smith was stopped at the Twin Cities airport as he had several bags of powder in his luggage that looked like cocaine. But alas, it was powdered urine. Click Here for story.

Upon further review of his suitcase airport security discovered an original "Whizzinator". Which is a device which includes a fake penis, bladder and athletic supporter. For those who are dying to know, click here for the official website. An NFL spokesman said using the device during a drug test would be a violation of league drug policies, but it wasn't clear whether there were penalties for possessing one outside of a testing situation.

If the consequences of drug use are that you must carry around a fake penis, bladder and powdered urine, it's probably best to just say no.

Just place the cops on Deerborn St.

The city of Chicago has decided that people who talk on cell phones are so dangerous that they must be banned from driving. Click here for story. Now talking on a phone while behind the wheel will subject you to a $50 fine. Which means that the penalty for using one of these devices may be more than you paid for the phone.

But if the real reason Chicago is doing this is for money, then they will simply place cops outside of the parking garages next to the Daley Center and Federal Court. We lawyers are always calling the office on the way back.

It's a buyers market

Another case of the government paying journalists for favorable press has just been revealed. Click here for story. Appareantly the USDA decided that it needed good press for the Natural Resources Conservation Service, and it couldn't take a chance that it wouldn't come.

What's sad is that the government leaking stories to those news outlets which are predisposed to give them good press is nothing new. But now they have to pay to get the press, how sad. And by the way, should anyone in the government need some good press in the blogsphere, my rates are very reasonable.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I just can't watch the Cubs anymore.

There is nothing of redeeming value in the Cubs this year. The starting pitching is spotty, the bullpen could not stop a mexican league team from scoring. Patterson is no lead off hitter. They are going nowhere fast. The only bright spot is Derek Lee.

Tonight they walked in the winning run. The Brewers were down to their last out and the Cubs pitcher could not throw strikes.

Meanwhile the White Sox are red hot and leading the majors. Guess which team I can get tickets for?

Bulls lose, I lose tickets

This afternoon, my brother Paul called, he thought he had an extra ticket to tonights Bulls game. Great! But I didn't get the message until after 6pm, which is when the game started. It seems my wife has a policy of not paying attention to the answering machine while she's tending the children.

Now I know why mom liked me best

Canadian researchers have found that parents of ugly children ignore their children and allow them to do dangerous things, while the more attractive children are better cared for. Click here for story.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Beer can sometimes be a lot of work.

But my what beer! I was a steward of the first round of the National Homebrew Competition on Saturday. And the varitey of beer ran the gamut. Unfortuneately, this was true in regards to there quality as well as their styles. Some really good beer, a lot of decent beer, and some truly horrid creations which made me glad that I wasn't judging.

Weak Thumbs up for Hitchhiker's

On Friday Sarah and I went to see the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And we were both alittle disappointed. The movie to be fair would be very difficult to pull off, Hitchhiker's doesn't really have a plot in the traditional sense. It's just a bunch of gags strung together. Which makes it a great read. And in the begining of the movie that's exactly what you get. So I really liked the beginning of the movie.

But then they decided to try and give it a plot and a love story. Unfortunately this story line structure took away from the tangental and unorthodox style of the book. As we were leaving the theatre, I realized that the guide didn't pop up in the last half of the movie at all. Very disappointing.

In all, we had a good time. But only that.